Memorable email openings from my podiatrist

I'm a little jealous.

I typically loathe marketing emails. But I was strangely captivated when I began receiving weekly marketing emails from my podiatrist, even though weekly is an inappropriate frequency for the unsolicited marketing of foot-related medical services.

The messages were admirably direct. No “I hope this message finds you well” or “I hope your week is off to a good start” (something I feel compelled to include in emails to people with whom I’m not in frequent contact). They got right to it - “it” being some highly specific podiatric revelation that, in the context of the rest of my inbox, read as an absurd non-sequitur.

Here are a few gems:

Hi Ian,

Children are prone to ingrown toenails just as adults are.

Hi Ian,

It’s still somewhat of a mystery why certain tendons in the feet degenerate.

Hi Ian,

On several occasions, we’ve had the deeply unfortunate task of amputating a toe or part of the foot.

This last was a lot to take in before even having my morning coffee. But, as they pointed out in another message, they were bound by an ethical imperative:

Hi Ian,

We have a wealth of data from seeing thousands of feet. It would be a shame if we didn’t share our findings with everyone.

The email footer suggested that instead of crafting these zingers himself, my podiatrist had contracted this out to a firm called Podiatry Success Today (no doubt a heavyweight in the booming podiatry marketing industry). Perhaps all the patients of dozens of podiatry offices across the country were also waking up to heady truths about ingrown toenails.

I will leave you with an opening that bordered on poignant (as far as marketing emails go).

Hi Ian,

Two of the most precious assets on your body are your feet.

Are you loving them well?

May you, dear reader, love your feet and yourself well.